So This Is What Alone Feels Like…

It’s been just a week since my husband and I separated and I’m home alone for the first time since then.  While he was setting up his household, preparing it for our girls, they stayed with me as I slowly put my home back together from all that had been removed as a result of the split.  My husband (he’s not my “ex” yet) has done an absolute bang up job at getting his home together over the last week and I feel really proud of him for all he has accomplished and powered through since we decided that splitting up was the best for us/our family.  It’s been challenging at times, but we have such a deep love for one another that we’ve been able to love and support each other through this transition.  I feel proud of both of us for remaining in a space of “love” and support as we transition to a new chapter in each of our lives and the lives of our children.

I’m alone for the first time because the girls are with their dad this week, he also came by to pick up the dogs too. Bummer! It’s very different than what I’m used to in my busy, hectic at times life.   It definitely leaves a huge space of emptiness not having the kids or the dogs here, BUT I’m soaking in every minute of it and I’m loving it!  I’m loving it because it’s easy for me to fill that empty space with something else that fills me and my spirit up.  The space isn’t empty, it’s overflowing with amazing and wonderful things, like writing this, reading books, cooking what I like (no complaints from the Peanut Gallery), meditating, decorating, etc.

I’ve spend hours in my backyard in silence and it’s amazing and wonderful in every way.

I’ve had friends and family check in on me to make sure I’m okay as I assume most people would be upset and depressed if they found themselves in my situation, but I’m not. Some may expect my spirit to be in a state of sadness, but it’s not.  My spirit is full, alive, bursting, happy and well.  I feel like a butterfly breaking through a cocoon, my wings getting stronger and more beautiful in every moment of struggle.  It’s a beautiful experience when we choose to see it that way and that’s how I choose to view my life at this moment in time.

No need to worry about me, I’m all good and here’s why:
I don’t require the validation of another to know that I am love and loved and neither do you.  I love myself enough to make up any deficit a relationship ending may leave.  I don’t require the love of another to “complete me,” as Tom Cruise is often quoted from the movie Jerry McGuire.  The truth is that none of us need someone else to “complete us,” we are complete as we are, simply because we “are.” Period!  I’m filled with life because when my spouse moved out, he didn’t take a part of me with him, I was whole when he was here and I remain whole when he isn’t here.

This way of thinking and being has been a progression, trust me.  I wasn’t always like this.  When my first husband and I split, I was a hot mess!  I felt anger, bitterness, sadness, emptiness, loss of control, financial pressures and every other scary dark feeling you can come up with.  I was only 29 and didn’t have the understanding or knowing of myself enough to understand and KNOW that I am enough. I thought I needed a partner to be whole and I was wrong.  With age comes wisdom is a true statement if there ever was one!

I met my first husband when I was sixteen and we were married with a child by the time I was 21.  I started dating my second husband just weeks after splitting up from my first husband, so I’ve never experienced being alone, not having a man in my life.  I’ve never experienced what it’s like to be 100% myself and true to only me and what I need or don’t need.  I’ve never not had to ask the opinion (or permission) of a life partner, having to consider what someone else besides myself wants.  This is the first time in my life, that it’s all about me…me….me…and I like it!

I have absolutely no guilt about embracing my situation and getting to know myself better, without the outside influence of what the spirit of another wants.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty easy to get along with and quite good at “going with the flow,” but that’s part of what’s missing for me in knowing my real self.  When I always go with the flow of someone else, I can’t get to know my own flow and what my spirit needs to soar. It all brings me closer to being my true and authentic self, which I look forward to getting to know better.

My spirit is soaring, my love for my husband and my family remains in tact and I will have more of myself to offer all of them the more in touch I get with getting to know me.  Solitude leaves you no choice and when you embrace it, it bears the greatest life fruit.  Yummy!

I’m loving you and send blessings for whatever you may be experiencing in your own life.  I encourage you to choose what is right, bright and light about your own life, it makes for a better life experience and who doesn’t want that! It’s a beautiful life when you choose to see it that way.  Trust me!

Be Blessed!



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