Over the last several months, I’ve taken the time, resources and financial means necessary to remodel and renew myself. It was much needed and I was truly unaware of how bad things had become. I was not caring for me in the ways that I should have been. The brutal truth is that I cared for everyone except me and it didn’t pay good dividends with the toll it took on me, my family and my marriage.
You might be thinking that because I was taking care of everyone else and giving and giving and giving and giving that I was being unselfish, but I wasn’t. The truth is that it’s selfish not to take care of yourself when you consider how it impacts the others around you.
I was always tired and worn out, my body always aching (Fibromyalgia adds to this for me), unable to participate in family activities, “I’m not feeling well” was a common statement and seeing as I’m keeping it real, I looked like hell too as I never took the time to “get dressed!” And, I had gained at least another 20-30 pounds on top of the weight I already had to loose, it wasn’t a pretty picture and didn’t feel good for me to be packing around. The number the extra lbs. did on my feet was not good either, oh my barking dogs! My feet would ache so bad when I was in them for any period of time that it kept me far more sedentary than I wanted to be.
It was all too painful to deal with and look at head on, both physically and emotionally. That’s the truth and it’s an ugly truth, and it’s a truth I don’t lie to myself about anymore. It’s also a truth I no longer have shame about, which has freed me to move forward in remodeling and reinventing myself. I forgave myself for what I allowed for myself, which left guilt and shame behind where it can’t hurt me anymore.
The first thing I did was got real with myself about what I did to me, not what someone else did to me, what I did to me by not caring for me. It’s not anyone’s responsibility other than mine to make sure I’m being cared for. I put myself in the “line-up” and am making sure I remember to include myself in the list of people I’m caring for and about.
As painful and tiring as it was to get started, I began walking a minimum of 10,000 steps per day, which is almost five miles of walking. I’m thankful to my Fitbit for enlightening me to how much time I was sitting on my ass (I was working, but still sitting and sedentary) and not moving. Fitbit changed my life in ways I didn’t realize it would when I got it. 90% of the time when the day is coming to an end and I haven’t reached my 10,000 steps for the day, I walk and walk until I get to 10,000. Without the Fitbit, I would have never known. I recommend a Fitbit to anyone and everyone, it’s so insightful to know how much you’re moving. If you have a desk job like me, it’s easy to loose track of how little you move throughout the day. Clicking on a keyboard doesn’t burn the calories and that’s the bottom line.
I also began tracking my sleep. Sleep is essential to our well-being. It’s when we rejuvenate and it’s essential. I learned that I was getting about an average of 2.5-3 hours of sleep per night, again thanks to my Fitbit. How can anyone function properly on such a small amount of sleep?!?! I can’t and wasn’t. With the changes I’ve been making in my life, I’ve been able to get my sleep up to around 4 hours of sleep a night. I’m still working on it and making changes, which included getting OFF my sleeping medication. Why take a sleeping pill if when you take it you still only get about 2.5 hours of sleep! It’s been four weeks, I’ve switched to Melatonin (5 mg.) and it seems to be helping. I still have insomnia, but little by little things are improving.
In looking at and examining all the ways in which I was not caring for myself, it’s hard not to look at what I was putting in my body. I’m not one to eat a package of cookies, a bag of chips or a carton of ice cream, I’ve never been a binge eater, but I certainly wasn’t eating super healthy either. My waist line a “true tell” of that. As I remodel myself and rethink my thinking, I had to tell myself a different story about my body and how I feel about it. My old story was “I’m fat, out of shape, sick with fibro, unattractive and not worthy of being cared for by me or anyone else.” The way I was caring for myself fit my story perfectly, as it always will.
That story wasn’t serving me or anyone around me, so I got rid of it by forgiving myself first then creating a new story to take it’s place. My new story is “I love and appreciate my miraculous body and what it does for me, I value my health and I take care of wonderful me as one of the many ways I respect myself.” I speak this daily and it has had a profound impact on me and how I feel about taking care of me. By speaking it daily, it creates a new reality for me to live in and live up to. I’m not eating a bunch of crap anymore, I live on chicken breast and salad and I love it. I don’t feel deprived or cheated, I just don’t really feel like eating bad stuff. Eating and putting junk food in to the miraculous body that I love, appreciate and respect would be counter intuitive to what I said out loud to myself. I’ve lost 15 lbs as a result and it feels so much better to be me.
There’s so much more to tell and I hope you subscribe so you don’t miss a thing. I’m here to serve by sharing my secrets, which also includes my struggles. I won’t leave anything out in hopes of connecting with you. Please come back soon!
Love you to pieces!